3:13
by flawlesspeasant
Summary: Jo and Alex deal with a very, very tough situation. ONESHOT.


**So, this was inspired by a prompt I received on tumblr. You guys know how much I like writing angsty stuff, so I hope you enjoy.**

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I roll over on my side and try to be as quiet as I possibly can. The bed creaks just a little as I shift my positioning but it's not loud enough to wake him. Nothing's loud enough to wake Alex though, really. He sleeps through everything but I still want to be courteous enough not to wake him at this hour. Just because I'm not fortunate enough to sleep tonight doesn't mean that he shouldn't be able to enjoy his sleep. I sit up slowly and bring my legs over the side of the bed until my feet touch down on the soft carpet of the floor. I glance over at the clock and my hair falls down to create a curtain of unruly, brunette hair in front of my eyes. I sweep it away from my face and see that it's 3:13 in the morning. How is it only 3:13? I laid down to go to sleep at 1:45 and it feels like I've been lying in bed, in and out of sleep for at least five hours. Somehow it's only 3:00 in the morning though. I turn my head slightly so I can see him and make sure he's still fast asleep. His face is buried in a sea of blankets and he's sleeping so peacefully that it would be a travesty to disturb him. I'm going to try and fall asleep. I have to be up for work in a few hours and I still have yet to fall sleep. I just can't fall asleep for some reason tonight.

I have a really bad headache that's pulsating behind my left eye and throbbing down from my temple all the way down through the back of my neck. I thought maybe that was the reason I couldn't fall asleep tonight but I don't really feel like that has anything to do with it. I can fall asleep with a headache no problem on normal nights. Tonight doesn't feel like a normal night though. Something about tonight feels different and I can't quite figure out what it is. It's like my body's trying to tell me something. Something inside my subconscious is saying, "Don't fall asleep, Jo. You're gonna miss something." I put my hands down on the mattress and lift myself up off the bed, being as quiet as I possibly can be. When I've succeeded in getting out of the bed quiet enough to not disturb Alex, I softly pad on the balls of my feet over to the bathroom door. I haven't been living with Alex long enough to know if I like the fact that the bathroom door is in the corner of our bedroom. I've been living with him for a year and some change and I still haven't decided if I like it or not.

Sometimes I like it. When I have to pee in the middle of the night, it's convenient to just roll over and take a few steps to the bathroom. Those nights, I love having the bathroom right in the bedroom with us. But when I'm having stomach troubles and I'm puking or using the bathroom, I don't like it so much then. Me and Alex have been together for a while and for the most part, we're pretty comfortable around each other...but I just don't like the idea of my boyfriend being able to hear me throwing up or being able to smell my business all because the bathroom is in our bedroom. So I have my good days with the bathroom being in our bedroom and I have the bad days with it. I haven't quite found a happy medium with it just yet.

I lightly push the door to the bathroom open and don't bother turning on the light. I go over to the medicine cabinet above the sink and open it up. I narrow my eyes so I can see through the darkness and grab the bottle of Tylenol from the top shelf. I pop the cap off the top and turn the bottle over in the palm of my hand. To my surprise, only two capsules spill out into my hand before the bottle is completely empty. I shake the bottle just to make sure that there were truly only two tablets in there. I just bought this bottle last week and it's already gone? How much Tylenol have I been popping? Alex doesn't take Tylenol because it's not strong enough for him; he has to take Advil. So the only person in this house that could've possibly eaten all the Tylenol is me. I guess maybe I have been taking a lot of pain pills lately. I usually take three tablets. I took a few last night because my back was killing me. The night before last night, I took a few more because my stomach muscles were hurting. ...I guess I have been taking a lot of pills lately.

I put the two pills in my mouth and cringe at the nasty taste as they stick to my tongue. I turn on the faucet and stick my head underneath so I can have a sip of water to wash the pills down. I tilt my head back and swallow the pills, fighting off a gag as they go down. I turn off the faucet and walk softly over to the toilet. I'm out of luck as far as my headache goes. I usually need at least three Tylenols before the pain of anything in body even begins to subside. I pull my panties down around my knees and sit down on the toilet so I can go pee before I attempt to go back to sleep. As soon as I sit down, my underwear graze the inside of my kneecap and they feel sticky. I wrinkle my brow and reach down to touch the base of them, just to see why they're wet. _Blood? _Can't be blood. It's not time for my period yet. I'm not due for that until next week and my period comes like clockwork. Careful not to make a mess of myself, I reach up with my clean hand and turn on the light. Sure enough, there is blood in the base of my underwear. I guess it makes sense that I'd come on my period. I've been cramping like hell all day and I usually get a headache around my period. But the thing is...my period comes like clockwork because I'm on birth control pills. It's not supposed to be here for another week, according to my pack of pills.

I reach over and roll up a thick padding of toilet paper around my hand. I stick my hand between my legs and wipe myself. _Wait, last month I screwed up on my birth control. I missed the night I pulled a 27-hour shift and I had to double up the next day. That probably screwed me up. It's probably right on schedule, technically. _I wipe myself and dump the toilet paper in the toilet bowl. I reach over and roll some more toilet paper up so I can wipe again. Slowly, I ease my soiled underwear off and kick them to the side. "Mmm." I grunt and bite my lip to bear with this cramp that just shot through my abdomen. I don't usually get cramps with my period either. I close my eyes and lean back against the back of the toilet while I wait for the cramp to pass. This cramp is intense. It's stabbing, stinging, aching pain straight through my vagina. It's so bad that I start sweating a little bit. "Oooh..." I take a deep breath and try to ease myself up off the toilet so I can grab a tampon.

As soon as I try to move, I feel more blood just drip out of me. Obviously I'm no stranger to menstruating; I've been doing it since I was twelve years old. But this...this isn't a period. It can't be. I lift my shirt up and wipe the sweat off my forehead and just try to breathe through the most intense cramp I've ever had in my life. I don't feel like I'm in my body anymore. I feel like I'm watching myself. This is so surreal. I've never been in this much pain before. I pride myself in the fact that I'm a pretty tough girl but I can't take this. These cramps are horrible. I lean over to grab the laundry basket so I can have something to rest my head against while I wait for this to pass, but again, as soon as I move, I feel like there's blood just pouring out of me. I can't...move. I can't move without feeling like there's blood gushing out of me. I wipe my forehead with my shirt again and grab some more toilet paper. I carefully lean forward and cushion my hand with toilet paper so I can get up long enough to grab myself a tampon. I'm gonna make a mess in this bathroom but there's bleach in the cupboard and sponges in the cabinet. I promise I'll clean up after myself.

I stand up from the toilet but just as fast as I stood up, I sit right back down. "Oh my god..." I whisper to myself. I'm not super religious but I do feel like I need god right now. At this point, I think I know what's happening to me. I don't want to believe it but it's hard to mistake it. I'm a doctor...I've been through years of schooling and I know all the symptoms. I don't want to believe it though. A small part of me still thinks that this is my period and as long as part of me still believes that, it's the only hope I'm holding onto. I feel like I need to push. It's like the overwhelming urge to pee but so much pressure below my waist. I don't want to... if I keep it...if I keep it inside, it'll still be okay. I don't want to push. I feel like I need to...I really need to. I just need to pee. But if I pee, I know what's going to happen. My heart is pounding so fast that I hear it in my ears. I look over at the open door and see the edge of the bed, where Alex is sleeping. My vision gets blurry with tears. I feel like I need him...but I don't want to call him. If I call him, he's gonna know. He's gonna know that I did this. I open my mouth to scream for him to come help me but I can't get it out.

How do I tell him what I just did? That I'm a...a murderer? How do I explain this to him? I close my mouth and purse my lips hard. I'm going to have to deal with this on my own. This is my fault...he's never gonna forgive me for this. I'm never gonna forgive myself. I didn't know...god, I didn't know. If I knew, I would've taken better care of it...this wouldn't have happened if I knew. I didn't know. I close my legs and squeeze my knees together. It's not coming out. Dammit, I'm going to make this right. I'm NOT letting this come out of me tonight. I have to make this right...I'm gonna take care of it. Ii just need to make it to the shower. How could this happen?! We literally just talked about this...not this, but...this. We just talked about it, last week. He told me how much he wanted one and I finally agreed that I'm at an okay place that we can start trying within the next couple months. He told me he'd let me finish out my third year before we'd try and I agreed that it was a pretty solid plan. We were just about to start trying. I was gonna stop talking my pills and we weren't going to be careful anymore. It was gonna happen. Why does THIS have to happen? We wanted it...

Maybe god knows that I'm not ready. Maybe he knows how horrible of a... I can't even say it. Just maybe he knew that I wasn't ready and that's why this had to happen. But me and Alex wanted it. So how do I explain this to him? Sorry, but I couldn't take care of our baby? Sorry, but I just...lost our baby? He's gonna be so mad at me. I'm so sorry. I didn't know...I really didn't know. I just didn't know. If I knew... If I knew...I just should've known. I didn't know. I pull my t-shirt up over my face and let the tears run free. I don't know what else I can do. Please just believe that if I had known, I swear I would've taken better care of it. I loved it...didn't know it, but I loved it. I'm not even physically hurting anymore. It doesn't hurt and it's not cramping anymore. It just...emotionally hurts. But I don't know what else to do, so I just...push. It comes out almost like pee but I can hear it hit the toilet water in a plop. I kind of feel like my heart came out with it. I should've just gone to sleep. I shouldn't have even come in the bathroom tonight.

I sniff and try to calm myself down but I don't feel like I can breathe. I feel like I'm trying to suck air up in through a straw and I can't do it. I hold my heart and keep trying to breathe but I...can't. I think I'm hyperventilating. I'm not asthmatic but I think I'm having an asthma attack. It was a baby...a baby that I wanted. A baby that could've grown into a chubby cheeked, soft-haired little human being that I could hold in my arms and kiss his or her little toes and feet and little lips. We just said that we were ready to try for one and this happened? I look down at my legs and see nothing but blood in the inner parts of my thighs. I don't understand why this had to happen... "Jo?" His voice makes this all the more real. This is actually happening to me...it's happening. "Jo." He calls me again and I can tell that he just woke up from a dead sleep by the grogginess in his voice. Wait...I haven't figured out how to explain this to him... I haven't found a way. He's gonna be so mad at me...

"I'm having really bad cramps, Alex...don't come in here." He knows me so well though. And I can't hide the tears in my voice. He comes into the bathroom anyway, rubbing his eyes and stretching out his arms to fully wake up. He stops rubbing his eyes and as soon as he actually sees the sight in here, his face goes sullen and his shoulders droop. He knows. He's seen me when I've had cramps before. He's seen me at my best, he's seen me at my worst. He knows that this isn't cramps. And being a pediatrician, he knows why a woman would be sitting on the toilet, crying with deep red blood on her legs. He looks like he might cry but Alex is strong, so I know he won't. He can't cry. I'm crying enough for the both of us. He slowly walks over to me, completely undermining the blood and puts his hand on my shoulder. "...Why's there so much blood?" I tried to say that aloud but it came out in a whisper. "Is there supposed to be..." I can't breathe all over again. "So...much...blood?"

He doesn't say anything to me and I think that's the best thing he could do. He doesn't say anything and he doesn't need to. He just kneels down next to me, wraps his arms around my body and holds me. I rest my head against his and just cry, because that's all I can do. He squeezes me tighter and he just...doesn't say anything.

He doesn't need to.


End file.
